Playing Magic: The Gathering

Crimine: Criminal Nerd Game Enjoyment, 1st degree; Wife Negligence, second degree.
Location: Husband Crime Lair
Discription: Suspect caught red-handed playing with his weird little Magic cards when his wife is right here waiting to watch some Dr Who on Netflix Instant, hopefully where the Doctor's shirt comes off again.
Verdict: Guilty.
Sentence: Suspect is only allowed Magic cards featuring ladies with big boobs; Dr Who marathon if victim gets tired of Dragon Age II over the weekend. Co-defendent released as he is outside of wife's jurisdiction.

Requesting an item on the top shelf

Crime: Asking for a high item
Location: Crime Kitchen
Discription: Suspect asked victim to grab him some mint M&Ms. Upon inquiring, victim was told that they are on the top shelf of the food storage unit. Victim is 5'2" and suffered a hate crime at being asked to reach a high item. Also, suspect should eat the whole bag now instead of eating them a few at a time, which is wrong.
Verdict: Guilty.
Sentence: Given entire bag of mint M&M's to eat.

Offensive term for Det. Goren on Law & Order Criminal Intent

Crime: Offensive hate speech; Hateful, offensive speech; Speech that is hateful & offensive; Interrupting Law and Order: Criminal Intent; Speech that is offensively hateful.
Location: Wife Justice Stronghold, Husband Crime sub-area
Description: Husband made repeated offensive remarks about Detective Goren, who didn't used to be fat and still isn't really that fat and is just acting like Columbo. Remarks include but are not limited to:
"Did Goren eat the evidence?"
"Who let Goren out without his juice box?"
"When are they coming to take Goren back to the home for fat retards?"
(On Goren returning to show): "Did he escape the ranch where they put fat retards?"
Verdict: Unbelievably guilty.
Sentence: Annoyed sounds; Suspect ordered to shut his dumb face; Detective Benson, who the suspect is a fan of, derided as a bony old lady with bony old lady talons who is old.

Left 4 Dead Hate Speech

Crime: Accurately describing a Boomer in Left 4 Dead.

Location: Husband Crime Internet

Description: While attempting to enjoy a video game, the Suspect referred to the gelatinous, grotesque, misshapen special infected known as a "Boomer" as a "fatty boom blatty" audibly to fellow husband hate criminals over Skype. Turned from misdemeanor to felony when he imitated the Boomer's sound effects.

Verdict: Guilty, you insensitive monster!

Sentence: Can only play L4D when alone, for fuck's sake

Not liking a book

Crimes: Criminal not liking a book in the second degree; Criminal review of book not enjoyed in the first degree. Prosecuted under hate crime legislation for giving an F- and using hurtful language.
Location: Husband Crime Bite Size Book Review Blog

Description: Suspect did not enjoy a book purchased by victim; Suspect then compounded the crime by writing a negative review that is very mean and unnessessarily hurtful.
Verdict: Guilty on all counts

Punishment: Scathing counter-review