Full at lunch

Crime: Being full in the second degree; Being a little baby's ice cream in the first degree.
Location: Husband Crime Stomach
Description: Suspect was lovingly commanded to eat a foot long BLT instead of a six inch, because, come on, how can you get full off a six inch for lunch?? This is the weirdo who has three bags of Doritos before bed.
Suspect then admitted that this was "too much food", which, come on. Also, he claims his stomach was upset by the bacon and mayonnaise, like you can have TOO MUCH mayo.
Sentence: Only allowed to have baby food for little babies like himself.

 

Funny name in credits not seen

Crime: Murder, She Wrote non-viewing; Wife Negligence, second degree.
Location: Husband Crime Lair
Discription: Suspect failed to heed the G Chat message telling him to come downstairs because there's a guy on Murder She Wrote named ROGER BONERZ CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT.
Verdict: Very Guilty.
Sentence: Years of bitter recriminations.

Blog non-updating

Crime: Blog Negligence, first degree; Obstruction of Justice
Location: Husband Crime Blog
Discription: Suspect failed to continue updating the Husband Crime Blotter blog, even though he is continuing to commit husband crimes on a daily basis.
Verdict: Guilty.
Sentence: Blog must be updated in perpetuity.

Playing Magic: The Gathering

Crimine: Criminal Nerd Game Enjoyment, 1st degree; Wife Negligence, second degree.
Location: Husband Crime Lair
Discription: Suspect caught red-handed playing with his weird little Magic cards when his wife is right here waiting to watch some Dr Who on Netflix Instant, hopefully where the Doctor's shirt comes off again.
Verdict: Guilty.
Sentence: Suspect is only allowed Magic cards featuring ladies with big boobs; Dr Who marathon if victim gets tired of Dragon Age II over the weekend. Co-defendent released as he is outside of wife's jurisdiction.

Got sick

Crime: Sickness, Class B; Making Wife Worry, Class A
Location: Husband Crime Country
Description: Husband (the accused) contracted a non-life-threatening yet serious illness, causing Wife (the victim) to question his life choices and worry. Of particular concern is his diet, vitamins and minerals, and his apparent no-effort weight loss. This also distracts Husband (the accused) from his normal pattern of thoughts which should be of delightful presents for Wife (the victim.)
Verdict: Guilty.
Sentence: Husband is to spend thirty (30) days, or the duration of his illness as time served fending concerns over whether he is living his life properly and eating like a civilized human being. Husband is also sentenced to feel guilt over making Wife worry terribly.

Gratification Delayment

Crime: Gratification Delayment in the First Degree; Allowing food to cool below 150 degrees before eating; Criminal interference with wife eating.
Location: Movie Theater, Husband Crime Seat sub-sector
Discription: Husband was provided with a one (1) medium popcorn and soda by wife; Husband did not eat said popcorn during the previews, instead saving it for when the movie actually began, by which time it was not hot, since there were 35 minutes of annoying ads before the movie started.
Verdict: Guilty.
Sentence: Popcorn eaten. Suspect has been judged incapable of managing his own popcorn supply, which will now be in the hands of the state designated popcorn control officer (wife).

Licked Tip of Nose

Crime: Nose Moistening with Intent to Gross Out

Location: Multiple

Description: Suspect has been known to go in for kiss, only to deceitfully lick tip of Victim's nose. Victim responses with "Ewww..." and wipes nose on Suspect.

Verdict: Initially Guilty, overturned on Appeal. Victim was found on Appeal to actually smile and giggle, and say she found it "cute."

Sentence: None (Acquitted)

Passed Up Parking Space

Crime: Parking Avoidance, Class 3 (1 class per space)

Location: Husband Crime Food Depository

Description: Suspect was observed passing a minimum of three parking meters until he found a suitable parking space. Victim was forced to walk an extra 30 feet to location. Suspect pleaded that parallel parking is generally an "assload of problems."

Verdict: Guilty

Sentence: Poked in side quite hard

Not hearing wife return

Crime: Criminal Wife Arrival Ignorance
Location: Husband Crime Stronghold
Discription: Victim went to the gas station to get vital supplies. Suspect, upon her return, was ensconed in his crime lair on the second floor with his loud AC on wearing his headphones when victim returned. Suspect somehow did not hear victim's return and cries for attention.
Verdict: Guilty.
Sentence: Headphones taken; Gas-station cookie privlidges revoked.

Hot Dogs & Monster Movies Request

Crime: Forcible Driving Against Will, Class 1 / Improper Clever Joke Implementation, Class 3

Location: Husband Crime Lair

Description: Victim allegedly had idea for fun get-together: hot dogs and monster movies. Victim, on travelling to suspect's home after work, realized she had forgotten said hot dogs and monster movies. She called Suspect and informed him that she had forgotten both sources of agreed fun for evening. Suspect, without conscience or empathy, allegedly demanded that she go get them at great expense and threat of puppy dog face, and that this trip would resemble passing through Himalayan canyon during blizzard.

Suspect denies this and claims he asked her very politely and would not mind waiting the additional time to retrieve said items. Suspect also reminded Victim that Hot Dog/Monster Movie Night was Victim's idea, thereby perpetrating the myth that it's always the Victim's fault.

Victim arrived at Husband Crime Lair in a state of crankiness and surliness. This was exacerbated by the Suspect also pretending Victim was a prank caller when she phoned him on arrival.

Verdict: Guilty with Extenuating Circumstances

Sentence: Cuddling and Back-rub

Criminal Clothes Request

Crime: Wife Leg Appriciation, 1st Degree
Location: Wife Justice Stronghold
Discription: Suspect expressed a desire for victim to wear panythose once in a while, which are repressive coverings of the patriarchy and also make victim's legs hot.
Sentence: GUILTY.
Punishment: Given a lecture on how makeup is also repressive against women.

Enjoying punishment

Crime: Criminal Punishment Enjoyment, 2nd degree
Location: Husband Crime Car Passenger Seat
Discription: Victim, in the course of her lawful duties, was delivering punishment for a previous crime. While victim was insulting suspect's favorite old lady detective, suspect was caught red-handed smiling, laughing, and making comments like "Boom!" and "ICE burn!" after each statement.
Verdict: Guilty!
Sentence: Suspect is now a hardened criminal and must listen to excerpts of the victim's incredly boring book on language history. Suspect's plea that this is cruel and unusual punishment has been denied

Numerous so you think you can dance crimes

Crime: False statement; Obstruction of Justice; Parole violation; Being an assface
Location: Husband Crime House
Discription: Suspect and victim signed a contract before the new season of So You Think You Can Dance began stipulating that victim would not flee the scene of the show on all occasions and would stay for most showings. Suspect has since, knowingly, and with malice, and annoyingly because victim does her best to mute the judges screaming YES YOU DID WHOOOOOOO, attempted to illegally alter the contract so that he is allowed to leave during most showings of the show. And he missed a bollywood number which is like the one thing he likes!!!
Supporting evidence: This post made by suspect.
Verdict: So I Think He's Guilty.
Sentence: Suspect must attend future airings of the show; Suspect, even though he'll probably be reading a book, must look at the screen when victim exlaims "Wow!" or "Awesome!"; Suspect is not allowed to do his routine where he acts like Brian from that one Familiy Guy where he's drunk and shows up while Stewie is watching Jolly Farm and drunkenly brays "Why are you watching this crap?".

Expanding Movie Horizons

Crime: Tricked Victim into seeing Terrence Malick movie

Location: Husband Crime Multimedia Complex

Description: Suspect, in an act that will live in infamy, tricked Victim into seeing "The Thin Red Line" at a local arthouse theater. Victim became fidgety at 2 hr 20 min mark and commented repeatedly after that it should've been "45 mins shorter" and "who's that guy again?" and "who's doing the voice-over?" Suspect then committed war crime by asking if she would've liked the movie more if Goldie Hawn showed up and talked about her vagina around a campfire.

Verdict: Guilty

Sentence: Must see Harry Potter in OMNISUPERMAX Mega-Ultra 3D.

Announcing Restroom Usage

Crime: Announcing verbally Victim was about to use restroom

Location: Husband Crime Prison Facility (aka Wedding)

Description: Suspect, a known member of the vicious wife-slandering Wedding Party Gang, announced that the Victim had to use the restroom, and that the paddy wagon should not leave without her. Suspect was mortified that everyone was now privy to the knowledge that girls do in fact pee.

Verdict: Guilty

Sentence: Every time the Suspect is about to leave, Victim will ask "Do you have to pee? Maybe we should put an ad in the paper!"

Suggesting early bedtime

Crime: Criminal Suggestion of Early Bedtime 1st Degree
Location: Crime Cafeteria
Discription: Suspect noticed victim's signs of fatigue, including but not limited to looking tired, yawning, and statements including "Zzzzz" and "I'm so tired". Suspect then knowingly suggested that victim go to bed early, even though he knows full well that's dumb and victim can't go to bed if suspect is still having fun in his dumb room!!!!!!
Verdict: Guilty!
Sentence: Victim will stay up until suspect goes to bed, even if reduced to incoherant mumbling and groaning.

Not eating candy fast enough

Crime: Criminal slow candy eating in the 1st degree
Location: Living room, husband crime sub-area
Discription: Suspect has a bag of mint M&Ms he is not eating fast enough, thus tempting the victim, who wants to eat them because the suspect has them.
Verdict: So guilty.
Sentence: Suspect is not allowed to have candy.

Requesting an item on the top shelf

Crime: Asking for a high item
Location: Crime Kitchen
Discription: Suspect asked victim to grab him some mint M&Ms. Upon inquiring, victim was told that they are on the top shelf of the food storage unit. Victim is 5'2" and suffered a hate crime at being asked to reach a high item. Also, suspect should eat the whole bag now instead of eating them a few at a time, which is wrong.
Verdict: Guilty.
Sentence: Given entire bag of mint M&M's to eat.

Thinking Girls on TV Are Cute After Being Relentlessly Prodded About It

Crime: Thought Crime, Class 2

Location: Victim's Glamorous Apartment

Description: After nearly two weeks of non-stop insistence by the Victim that the all-girl idol group AKB 48 was "really cute," Suspect admitted complicity in thinking that some members of the group were indeed pleasing to behold, especially the one with the cute bangs.

Sentence: Suspect was immediately pronounced judgment upon and called out as a perverted sex criminal for his weird tastes and apparent interest in younger women. As further punishment, Victim proudly declared she would never get her bangs cut in a similar manner to the member of AKB 48 noted for the haircut in question.

Lolcat Creation: Picture Evidence

Exhibit A: The lolcat in question

http://husbandcrimeblotter.blogspot.com/2011/06/lolcat-creation.html