Playing Magic: The Gathering

Crimine: Criminal Nerd Game Enjoyment, 1st degree; Wife Negligence, second degree.
Location: Husband Crime Lair
Discription: Suspect caught red-handed playing with his weird little Magic cards when his wife is right here waiting to watch some Dr Who on Netflix Instant, hopefully where the Doctor's shirt comes off again.
Verdict: Guilty.
Sentence: Suspect is only allowed Magic cards featuring ladies with big boobs; Dr Who marathon if victim gets tired of Dragon Age II over the weekend. Co-defendent released as he is outside of wife's jurisdiction.

Got sick

Crime: Sickness, Class B; Making Wife Worry, Class A
Location: Husband Crime Country
Description: Husband (the accused) contracted a non-life-threatening yet serious illness, causing Wife (the victim) to question his life choices and worry. Of particular concern is his diet, vitamins and minerals, and his apparent no-effort weight loss. This also distracts Husband (the accused) from his normal pattern of thoughts which should be of delightful presents for Wife (the victim.)
Verdict: Guilty.
Sentence: Husband is to spend thirty (30) days, or the duration of his illness as time served fending concerns over whether he is living his life properly and eating like a civilized human being. Husband is also sentenced to feel guilt over making Wife worry terribly.

Gratification Delayment

Crime: Gratification Delayment in the First Degree; Allowing food to cool below 150 degrees before eating; Criminal interference with wife eating.
Location: Movie Theater, Husband Crime Seat sub-sector
Discription: Husband was provided with a one (1) medium popcorn and soda by wife; Husband did not eat said popcorn during the previews, instead saving it for when the movie actually began, by which time it was not hot, since there were 35 minutes of annoying ads before the movie started.
Verdict: Guilty.
Sentence: Popcorn eaten. Suspect has been judged incapable of managing his own popcorn supply, which will now be in the hands of the state designated popcorn control officer (wife).

Licked Tip of Nose

Crime: Nose Moistening with Intent to Gross Out

Location: Multiple

Description: Suspect has been known to go in for kiss, only to deceitfully lick tip of Victim's nose. Victim responses with "Ewww..." and wipes nose on Suspect.

Verdict: Initially Guilty, overturned on Appeal. Victim was found on Appeal to actually smile and giggle, and say she found it "cute."

Sentence: None (Acquitted)

Passed Up Parking Space

Crime: Parking Avoidance, Class 3 (1 class per space)

Location: Husband Crime Food Depository

Description: Suspect was observed passing a minimum of three parking meters until he found a suitable parking space. Victim was forced to walk an extra 30 feet to location. Suspect pleaded that parallel parking is generally an "assload of problems."

Verdict: Guilty

Sentence: Poked in side quite hard

Not hearing wife return

Crime: Criminal Wife Arrival Ignorance
Location: Husband Crime Stronghold
Discription: Victim went to the gas station to get vital supplies. Suspect, upon her return, was ensconed in his crime lair on the second floor with his loud AC on wearing his headphones when victim returned. Suspect somehow did not hear victim's return and cries for attention.
Verdict: Guilty.
Sentence: Headphones taken; Gas-station cookie privlidges revoked.

Hot Dogs & Monster Movies Request

Crime: Forcible Driving Against Will, Class 1 / Improper Clever Joke Implementation, Class 3

Location: Husband Crime Lair

Description: Victim allegedly had idea for fun get-together: hot dogs and monster movies. Victim, on travelling to suspect's home after work, realized she had forgotten said hot dogs and monster movies. She called Suspect and informed him that she had forgotten both sources of agreed fun for evening. Suspect, without conscience or empathy, allegedly demanded that she go get them at great expense and threat of puppy dog face, and that this trip would resemble passing through Himalayan canyon during blizzard.

Suspect denies this and claims he asked her very politely and would not mind waiting the additional time to retrieve said items. Suspect also reminded Victim that Hot Dog/Monster Movie Night was Victim's idea, thereby perpetrating the myth that it's always the Victim's fault.

Victim arrived at Husband Crime Lair in a state of crankiness and surliness. This was exacerbated by the Suspect also pretending Victim was a prank caller when she phoned him on arrival.

Verdict: Guilty with Extenuating Circumstances

Sentence: Cuddling and Back-rub

Criminal Clothes Request

Crime: Wife Leg Appriciation, 1st Degree
Location: Wife Justice Stronghold
Discription: Suspect expressed a desire for victim to wear panythose once in a while, which are repressive coverings of the patriarchy and also make victim's legs hot.
Sentence: GUILTY.
Punishment: Given a lecture on how makeup is also repressive against women.

Enjoying punishment

Crime: Criminal Punishment Enjoyment, 2nd degree
Location: Husband Crime Car Passenger Seat
Discription: Victim, in the course of her lawful duties, was delivering punishment for a previous crime. While victim was insulting suspect's favorite old lady detective, suspect was caught red-handed smiling, laughing, and making comments like "Boom!" and "ICE burn!" after each statement.
Verdict: Guilty!
Sentence: Suspect is now a hardened criminal and must listen to excerpts of the victim's incredly boring book on language history. Suspect's plea that this is cruel and unusual punishment has been denied

Numerous so you think you can dance crimes

Crime: False statement; Obstruction of Justice; Parole violation; Being an assface
Location: Husband Crime House
Discription: Suspect and victim signed a contract before the new season of So You Think You Can Dance began stipulating that victim would not flee the scene of the show on all occasions and would stay for most showings. Suspect has since, knowingly, and with malice, and annoyingly because victim does her best to mute the judges screaming YES YOU DID WHOOOOOOO, attempted to illegally alter the contract so that he is allowed to leave during most showings of the show. And he missed a bollywood number which is like the one thing he likes!!!
Supporting evidence: This post made by suspect.
Verdict: So I Think He's Guilty.
Sentence: Suspect must attend future airings of the show; Suspect, even though he'll probably be reading a book, must look at the screen when victim exlaims "Wow!" or "Awesome!"; Suspect is not allowed to do his routine where he acts like Brian from that one Familiy Guy where he's drunk and shows up while Stewie is watching Jolly Farm and drunkenly brays "Why are you watching this crap?".

Expanding Movie Horizons

Crime: Tricked Victim into seeing Terrence Malick movie

Location: Husband Crime Multimedia Complex

Description: Suspect, in an act that will live in infamy, tricked Victim into seeing "The Thin Red Line" at a local arthouse theater. Victim became fidgety at 2 hr 20 min mark and commented repeatedly after that it should've been "45 mins shorter" and "who's that guy again?" and "who's doing the voice-over?" Suspect then committed war crime by asking if she would've liked the movie more if Goldie Hawn showed up and talked about her vagina around a campfire.

Verdict: Guilty

Sentence: Must see Harry Potter in OMNISUPERMAX Mega-Ultra 3D.

Announcing Restroom Usage

Crime: Announcing verbally Victim was about to use restroom

Location: Husband Crime Prison Facility (aka Wedding)

Description: Suspect, a known member of the vicious wife-slandering Wedding Party Gang, announced that the Victim had to use the restroom, and that the paddy wagon should not leave without her. Suspect was mortified that everyone was now privy to the knowledge that girls do in fact pee.

Verdict: Guilty

Sentence: Every time the Suspect is about to leave, Victim will ask "Do you have to pee? Maybe we should put an ad in the paper!"

Suggesting early bedtime

Crime: Criminal Suggestion of Early Bedtime 1st Degree
Location: Crime Cafeteria
Discription: Suspect noticed victim's signs of fatigue, including but not limited to looking tired, yawning, and statements including "Zzzzz" and "I'm so tired". Suspect then knowingly suggested that victim go to bed early, even though he knows full well that's dumb and victim can't go to bed if suspect is still having fun in his dumb room!!!!!!
Verdict: Guilty!
Sentence: Victim will stay up until suspect goes to bed, even if reduced to incoherant mumbling and groaning.

Not eating candy fast enough

Crime: Criminal slow candy eating in the 1st degree
Location: Living room, husband crime sub-area
Discription: Suspect has a bag of mint M&Ms he is not eating fast enough, thus tempting the victim, who wants to eat them because the suspect has them.
Verdict: So guilty.
Sentence: Suspect is not allowed to have candy.

Requesting an item on the top shelf

Crime: Asking for a high item
Location: Crime Kitchen
Discription: Suspect asked victim to grab him some mint M&Ms. Upon inquiring, victim was told that they are on the top shelf of the food storage unit. Victim is 5'2" and suffered a hate crime at being asked to reach a high item. Also, suspect should eat the whole bag now instead of eating them a few at a time, which is wrong.
Verdict: Guilty.
Sentence: Given entire bag of mint M&M's to eat.

Thinking Girls on TV Are Cute After Being Relentlessly Prodded About It

Crime: Thought Crime, Class 2

Location: Victim's Glamorous Apartment

Description: After nearly two weeks of non-stop insistence by the Victim that the all-girl idol group AKB 48 was "really cute," Suspect admitted complicity in thinking that some members of the group were indeed pleasing to behold, especially the one with the cute bangs.

Sentence: Suspect was immediately pronounced judgment upon and called out as a perverted sex criminal for his weird tastes and apparent interest in younger women. As further punishment, Victim proudly declared she would never get her bangs cut in a similar manner to the member of AKB 48 noted for the haircut in question.

Lolcat Creation: Picture Evidence

Exhibit A: The lolcat in question

http://husbandcrimeblotter.blogspot.com/2011/06/lolcat-creation.html

Not Violating Law of Gravity

Crime: Unable to magically support sudden, full, unstable weight of human being on single knee.

Location: Social Function

Description: Victim suddenly and unannounced placed her full body weight on a dead drop on suspect's crouched knee while fixing her shoe during a group photo. Suspect, in full non-violation of the law of gravity, was unable to maintain stability of said knee. Victim fell a full 18" to ground on her bottom in view of more than 7 individuals AND while wearing a nice outfit, constituting a Husband Felony in the 1st degree.

Verdict: Oh, so guilty

Sentence: Constant grumblings of "You think I'm fat, don't you?! Is that it?!" for the entire evening.

Criminal Non-Air Conditioner Activation

Crime: Criminal Non-Air Conditioner Activation, 1st degree.
Location: Wife Justice Stronghold
Discription: Suspect did not turn on his wife's air conditioner. Wife justice stronghold became uncomftorably warm. Suspect caught red-handed reading a book and not turning on victim's air conditioner.
Verdict: Guilty.
Sentence: Finger-pointing; Cries of "YOU!"; Victim distracted by cute cat before full sentence could be served.

Criminal food possession

Crime: Criminal Possession of Desierable Food (1st degree)
Location: Red Robin, Husband Crime Seating Area
Discription: After finishing her Banzai Burger, victim noticed that suspect had a delicious looking salad consisting of fried chicken, lettuce, bacon, hard-boiled eggs, and honey mustard.
Verdict: Guilty.
Sentence: Salad confiscated; Suspect given fries.

Not Seeing Crappy Movie in 3D

Crime: Suspect did not want to see movie he did not want to already see in motherfucking 3D.

Location: Hollywood, CA or wherever

Description: Suspect is charged with not wanting to see lame movie he originally had no interest in, and also did not want to see it in 3D, which is a stupid movie gimmick that accurately simulates having an anuryistic headache for 2 hours.

Verdict: History's Greatest Monster

Sentence: Tim Minchin Video (in full)

Offensive term for Det. Goren on Law & Order Criminal Intent

Crime: Offensive hate speech; Hateful, offensive speech; Speech that is hateful & offensive; Interrupting Law and Order: Criminal Intent; Speech that is offensively hateful.
Location: Wife Justice Stronghold, Husband Crime sub-area
Description: Husband made repeated offensive remarks about Detective Goren, who didn't used to be fat and still isn't really that fat and is just acting like Columbo. Remarks include but are not limited to:
"Did Goren eat the evidence?"
"Who let Goren out without his juice box?"
"When are they coming to take Goren back to the home for fat retards?"
(On Goren returning to show): "Did he escape the ranch where they put fat retards?"
Verdict: Unbelievably guilty.
Sentence: Annoyed sounds; Suspect ordered to shut his dumb face; Detective Benson, who the suspect is a fan of, derided as a bony old lady with bony old lady talons who is old.

Getting up too early

Tip submitted by Momster51 (k ham's mother):

Crime: Husband got up too early in the morning and refuses to go back to bed so his wife could go back to sleep.
Verdict: Guilty!!!!!!!!!!
Sentence: Husband is sentenced to life. He MUST play with his wife's hair until she falls asleep every single miserable night until the end of time!!!!!!!!!

Washing Dishes

Crime: Subject did not properly wash a plate

Location: Husband Crime Lair Kitchen

Description: Suspect did not scrape every molecule of food off of plate before placing in sink to be washed (which he ended up doing later on anyway). Wife Justice Crime Lab detected a visible portion of mashed potatoes, which Victim claimed would clog the drain. Evidence showed the backed up water would eventually drown all of them in their sleep.

Verdict: Guilty

Sentence: 1 week of hard labor (washing every goddamn dish every goddamn night in the apartment)

Having a nice wallet

Crime: Having a cooler wallet in the 1st degree.
Location: Husband Crime Pants
Description: Suspect apprehended red-handed with a cooler wallet than his wife's.
Verdict: Guilty.
Sentence: Wallet confiscated.

Leaving during so you think you can dance

Crime: Fleeing the scene of So You Think You Can Dance
Location: Wife Justice Stronghold
Description: In violation of suspect's parole, he has not yet stayed more than five minutes during any showing of So You Think You Can Dance. (Suspect's parole entitles him to not watch every show but his presence is required from time to time.)
Verdict: Guilty

Not enjoying So You Think You Can Dance

Crime: Criminal failure to enjoy So You Think You Can Dance in the 1st degree
Location: Wife Justice Stronghold
Description: Suspect stated that he could not take this anymore and left the room after several minutes of hopeful dancers screaming into the camera, judges screaming at the contestants, judge Nigel acting like a creepy old man hitting on contestant's mothers, and several uses of the phrase "Hotlanta".
Verdict: Guilty

Left 4 Dead Hate Speech

Crime: Accurately describing a Boomer in Left 4 Dead.

Location: Husband Crime Internet

Description: While attempting to enjoy a video game, the Suspect referred to the gelatinous, grotesque, misshapen special infected known as a "Boomer" as a "fatty boom blatty" audibly to fellow husband hate criminals over Skype. Turned from misdemeanor to felony when he imitated the Boomer's sound effects.

Verdict: Guilty, you insensitive monster!

Sentence: Can only play L4D when alone, for fuck's sake

"Meh" Reaction to Tim Minchin

Crime: Did not ejaculate in pants when shown Tim Minchin video for the first time

Location: Husband Crime Internet

Description: Victim was super-excited to show Suspect a really, really funny and really cool comedic musician named Tim Minchin. Suspect committed internet genocide by chuckling, but not spontaneously having orgasm, at British pun comedian who needs a shower.

Verdict: Guilty as Tim Minchin's barber

Sentence: Banishment from living room

** Update **

I, N.Ham, am also guilty of this crime (Criminal Mildly Amusing Comedian Under-Appriciation, First Degree). I believe that makes both of us guilty of conspiracy to not find a video funny enough.

** Update **

This may require a RICO case to properly prosecute.

Not watching Dragon Age 2

Crime: Not watching Dragon Age 2 when something awesome happened
Location: Living room, husband crime sub-area
Description: Suspect was playing with his iPad when his wife made an ogre explode into body parts.
Verdict: Guilty of a lesser charge; Husband plea-bargained that he had seen this event many times. Convicted of criminal not witnessing wife's awesomeness in the 4th degree.

He knows what he did.

Crime: He knows what he did.
Discription: I shouldn't have to say what it is.
Verdict: Oh, so guilty.
Sentence: Nothing, it's fine.

Lolcat Creation

Crime: Suspect seen creating lolcats on some stupid cat picture blog

Location: Husband Crime Lair Den

Description: Suspect was seen using online lolcat generator to create things your grandma doesn't understand and desperately single women think are cute. Suspect, in defense, was trying to, ironically, make the stupidest lolcat in history, thereby assassinating the entire moronic trend.

Verdict: Guilty (Victim found them to be "SQUEEE SO ADOWABUH")

Sentence: 100+ more lolcats

Playing XBL

Crime: Suspect played video games on a regular, but not hermetic, basis.

Location: The bowels of XBox Live

Description: Suspect played Halo 3 with other human beings online and did not call them "fags" or "gay" or "gayfags" or "fag-gays". Did not win match. Also did not acknowledge victim for up to 1 whole hour.

Verdict: Guilty

Sentence: Divorced (is not a real man)

Doing the dishes

Crime: Unloading the dishwasher
Location: Husband Crime Kitchen
Discription: Suspect spotted acting like a responsible adult.
Verdict: Guilty
Sentence: Suspended; Suspect complied with orders to come watch wife execute boom headshots in Mass Effect 2.

Not liking a book

Crimes: Criminal not liking a book in the second degree; Criminal review of book not enjoyed in the first degree. Prosecuted under hate crime legislation for giving an F- and using hurtful language.
Location: Husband Crime Bite Size Book Review Blog

Description: Suspect did not enjoy a book purchased by victim; Suspect then compounded the crime by writing a negative review that is very mean and unnessessarily hurtful.
Verdict: Guilty on all counts

Punishment: Scathing counter-review

Forgot the Jelly

Crime: forgot to get jelly

Location: Husband Crime Lair Kitchenette

Description: Suspect did not purchase a single jar of jelly during enormous, awe-inspiring shopping trip totaling $214.00 because everyone was f'ing starving. The Mt. Olympus of groceries did not include a single, solitary jar and Victim specifically "reminded you to get jelly. It's the only thing I asked you to get."

Verdict: GUILTY

Punishment: 2 episodes of "Real Housewives of Jersey" (Fate worse than death)

Not getting enough napkins at lunch

Crime: Not getting enough napkins
Location: Cafeteria
Description: Suspect did not get enough napkins, forcing his wife to wipe her greasy hands on her jeans.
Sentence: Guilty

Do you know of a husband crime?

Attention readers - there is now a tipline open for incidents of husband crime. Email all of the details to our crimestopper team at:

husbandcrime (at) gmail (dot) com

Please include the name of the crime, locaiton commited, brief discription, and verdict; If the suspect was apprehended and judged guilty you may also append the sentance applied. Don't let the next crime we report be YOU not sending in your tips; Our agents are eternally vigilant.

Video Game Advice

Crime: offering helpful advice at Mario Kart

Location: Husband Crime Lair

Description: Suspect reportedly had the gash-darn nerve to suggest to Victim how to read mini-map on Mario Kart screen to determine which direction Suspect was to turn. Suspect was, in accordance with full Wife Law, told to "go screw" and she "knew what she was doing".

Punishment: Forced to watch Victim drive the wrong way for 2 laps and lose

Sentence: GUILTY

Sleeping At Dawn

Crime: sleeping in the early hours of the morning

Location: Husband Crime Sleeping Quarters

Description: Suspect did not wake during the hour of the wolf to drive the Victim to work on the suspect's day off. This required the Victim to transport herself to her workplace, requiring minuscule, intolerable effort on her part to operate a motor vehicle.

Sentence: Guilty

Punishment: Pouty looks and whining

Going to bed too early

Crime: Going to bed too early
Location: Husband Crime Lair
Description: Suspect fell asleep before 10 PM, which is dumb.
Sentence: Guilty

Going to bed before wife

Crime: Going to bed before wife
Location: Husband Crime Lair
Description: Suspect went to bed and in fact fell asleep before his wife.
Sentence: Guilty